Explosion, Implosion? I don't know what it is, it's a Subsplosion!

I have no idea why my head hurts so badly right now... been thinking alot about a very bad past relationship, in the means to be honest to the person i'm in love with.
Different things coming to mind, what I did, when I did it, things that were said, comments that were made, I havn't thought this hard on anything in a long time...
Stupid things coming to mind, things i'd prefer to not think about, but I have to. Turns out my ex is lying, trying to make herself seem innocent... I don't know why she wont just tell the truth, I am... maybe she's weak and can't handle the guilt, wont accept the truth and deal with the pain of knowing every word you say is hurting the one you're with.
I've tried to be as honest as I can, but these things come back so suddenly sometimes, stories have to change a little as new things are remembered... even if it makes it feel like i'm lying over and over again... I wish you could just see it as a video so you could know, and I wouldn't have to switch my story as I remember new things. I never intend to lie, and I want you to know that.

Hell, I can't lie, I can't deal with guilt because it causes me too much pain.

Yes, things are subject to change until everything is clear to me... but when everything is clear it will hurt me so much, knowing the relationship was worthless, pointless, and a waste of time. Though I was blinded by infatuation, I wish I would have listened to my friends, she was such a bad choice for me, but I thought I was doing good, she stopped drinking, stopped taking pills... or at least that's what she told me, maybe I was being lied to again. Like the fool I am.

All in all, sorry for the rant
All in all, sorry for not telling the entire truth, I can't remember all of it right now, but you have 95% of it, you know how far it went, and you know that i'm an idiot for letting it go that far... just remember this was over a year ago, and i've changed so much, don't forget that.....

Yeah, this was directed mostly toward someone in particular, the person that I'm so in love with now, the person i'd give my life to be with every day. But it's also for you, the random people of DA to see the stupid things that go through my mind, and drama that's overlapped my life.

Jared - I havn't lied to Jessica, I havn't lied to anyone about how far Krysten and I went, and i'm not the kind of fella to do that. Maybe she's just telling you she was forced so you feel sorry for her, or maybe it's because she just doesn't want to do anything with you. I have no idea, and I personally don't care, I wish she'd never come back into my life and this bullshit that happened OVER A YEAR AGO, could be DROPPED already.

Krysten - If you really were fucked up all those times you came to my house and aren't just bullshitting Jared the same way you did me, lying about everything to make yourself seem innocent. If you really were fucked up, then excuse the hell out of me for having hope you perhaps cared about me and respected my wishes and were more than two-bit trash. But don't forget you never gave me the slightest hint of you not wanting to do anything, in fact you agreed most readily. I never forced you to do a GOD damn thing, and ASKING is NOT forcing. Remember the one time you asked me to stop, because your chest hurt? I fucking stopped, walked out to the car, and got the medicine that you FORGOT to take, and didn't care that we stopped, it was no big deal to me because your pain meant more to me than my stupid fucking horomones.

Oh, and by the way, if I was sooooo forceful and I did sooo many bad things... why didn't you break up with me sometime while you were still around me and seeing my regularly, instead of waiting some time after, and why are you -Just now- mentioning it? A YEAR LATER.

Jessica - I love you very dearly, and I wont ever leave you. I tell you things as they come to mind so if the story changes a little as I remember things I thought at the time, i'm sorry, but I can't tell you the whole thing right off the bat, it was well over a year ago and my memory doesn't like to remember bad things, so as time progresses and I remember more things, I try to tell you them.

Wow.. this ended up long, hope you guys had fun reading.